Funny Quotes

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I was going through a little bit of turbulence in my career. And so, it's funny how turbulence itself will make you hold onto something for security. And so the only thing I knew is trust in the Lord and lean not unto your own heart, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path.

It's funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists' goals.

What has been happening more lately - of course, I also put in my bio, I say I do the voice of Goliath, but some people go - you know, I say something, and it's a funny thing when you work in this business, people will talk out loud in front of you like you're not there.

I'm one of those hovering mothers and I know it's really important to have an independent child, so I'm trying to back off, but it's hard. I love him so much, and he's so funny and cute to me.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

At boarding school you had to wear your name across your chest and your back, and obviously I had a pretty funny name. It wasn't Brown or Smith or Hughes.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

It's funny, when I'm not on the road or doing stuff with Bad Company - or whatever- I've always written songs galore... a lot of stuff people don't even hear.

I'm very silly as a person, but quality silliness on-screen has more of an art to it. Harrison Ford, whom I was in 'Morning Glory' with, has mastered that dry funny better than anyone.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

I always tell people that to be the funny person in a Steve Martin movie is like getting a call that Keith Moon wants you to play drums on his record. He should be playing drums on his record.

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

It is possible in this world to be pretty and funny and successful all at the same time.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

It's funny; I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up.

Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working.

I tell girls all the time that the men that have fallen in love with me, have all fallen during a man repeller stage... funny how life works out like that.

Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.

The funny thing is, strangers still seem to feel comfortable coming up to me and saying things, but now usually it's because they recognize me, and they say nice things.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.