Quotes By Dave Barry

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.