Quotes By Dave Barry

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.