Quotes By Dave Barry

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.