Quotes By Dave Barry

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.