Quotes By Dave Barry

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.