Quotes By Demetri Martin

To me, comedy is a game.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I love Steven Wright.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

People only have so much attention.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.