Quotes By Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.