Quotes By Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Marriage is the death of hope.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.