Quotes By Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.