Quotes By Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I am two with nature.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.