Quotes By Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.