Quotes By Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I am two with nature.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.