Quotes By Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I am two with nature.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.