Quotes By Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Marriage is the death of hope.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.