Quotes By Bill Maher

I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window.

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.