Quotes By Bill Maher

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.