Quotes By Phyllis Diller

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.