Quotes By Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.