Quotes By Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.