Quotes By Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.