Quotes By Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.