Quotes By Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.