Quotes By Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'