Quotes By Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.