Them Quotes

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

Every once in a while, someone will mail me a single popcorn kernel that didn't pop. I'll get out a fresh kernel, tape it to a piece of paper and mail it back to them.

How many things there are concerning which we might well deliberate whether we had better know them.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Our ideas are for the most part like bad sixpences, and we spend our lives trying to pass them on one another.

Don't wish me happiness - I don't expect to be happy it's gotten beyond that, somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor - I will need them all.

But I love to entertain. My vocation is to accrue all these experiences, to write about them, to get them out of my system, to not get sick, and then to share them publicly.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

I don't see myself being special; I just see myself having more responsibilities than the next man. People look to me to do things for them, to have answers.

I've always thought that people need to feel good about themselves and I see my role as offering support to them, to provide some light along the way.

He that raises a large family does, indeed, while he lives to observe them, stand a broader mark for sorrow; but then he stands a broader mark for pleasure too.

The harder you try to become the opposite of your parents, the more quickly you become them.

If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?

A mother's arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them.

Government workers often get a bad rap, but it's rare for them to receive much appreciation when government works.

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

Experience seems to most of us to lead to conclusions, but empiricism has sworn never to draw them.

I'm the most recognized and loved man that ever lived cuz there weren't no satellites when Jesus and Moses were around, so people far away in the villages didn't know about them.

There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.

The press is still investing itself, it seems to me, in a sort of cynicism. It comes out better for them if they can predict hard times, bogging down, sniping, attrition.

There are 4 billion cell phones in use today. Many of them are in the hands of market vendors, rickshaw drivers, and others who've historically lacked access to education and opportunity. Information networks have become a great leveler, and we should use them together to help lift people out of poverty and give them a freedom from want.

So Pa sold the little house. He sold the cow and calf. He made hickory bows and fastened them upright to the wagon box. Ma helped him stretch white canvas over them.

There are different rules for reading, for thinking, and for talking. Writing blends all three of them.

Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe.

Eagles come in all shapes and sizes, but you will recognize them chiefly by their attitudes.

And Barack and I were raised with so many of the same values, like you work hard for what you want in life. That your word is your bond; that you do what you say you're going to do. That you treat people with dignity and respect, even if you don't know them and even if you don't agree with them.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.