Quotes By George Carlin

Think off-center.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Always do whatever's next.

Religion is just mind control.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The status quo sucks.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.