Quotes By George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Religion is just mind control.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.