Quotes By George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.