Quotes By George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Think off-center.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Always do whatever's next.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

The status quo sucks.

Religion is just mind control.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.