Quotes By Rita Rudner

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.