Quotes By Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.