Quotes By Rita Rudner

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.