Quotes By Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.