Quotes By Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.