Joke Quotes

I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.

People always joke that "dog" spells "god" backwards. They should consider that it might be the higher power coming down to see just how well they do, what kind of people they are. The animals are right here, right in front of us. And how we treat these companions is a test.

Once an actor told me he went to the Shakespeare School of Acting, and I said, 'I went to the Shakespeare of Acting, too' and he said, 'Oh really?' And I said, 'I went to Shakespeare Elementary School in Chicago.' He didn't take the joke well, he didn't laugh and didn't think it was funny - I thought it was funny. It's all the same to me.

A poet in history is divine, but a poet in the next room is a joke.

I mean, I've had bartenders and waiters and waitresses make a comment about a joke of mine, like pointing out some sort of logic error or something that I've never even thought about, and they're right.

The whole westward expansion myth is seen as romantic. But it's a joke, a blot on American history.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.

There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes his whole universe for a vast practical joke.

I never knew what basketball was. I started playing on the playground. People used to laugh at me and joke at me because I was so tall and I didn't know the game and couldn't play it.

There is a joke that your hammer will always find nails to hit. I find that perfectly acceptable.

There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.

Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome.

At one point, they offered me this part to play a drug-dealing, gun-selling butch lady. I don't know how to describe her but she had like a crew cut and stuff. I was like, 'Is this a joke?' And they said, 'No, we think it would be great because everyone would be like, 'Oh, look at what we've done to Charlotte.' I was like, 'Well I can't do that!'

The only people who live in a post-black world are four people who live in a little white house on Pennsylvania Avenue. The idea that America is post-racial or post-black because a man I admire, Barack Obama, is president of the United States, is a joke. And I hope no one will even wonder about this crazy fiction again.

My friends joke that I raised the Titanic and never left the Rockies.

Everyone recognizes that's a joke because obviously the number and shape of the pieces doesn't affect the size of the pizza. And similarly, the stocks, bonds, warrants, etc., issued don't affect the aggregate value of the firm.

The insular arrogance of the English character is a commonplace joke.

I never smile when I have a bat in my hands. That's when you've got to be serious. When I get out on the field, nothing's a joke to me. I don't feel like I should walk around with a smile on my face.

I agree with Sophocles: the greatest luck is not to have been born - but, as the joke goes on, very few people succeed in it.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

You can't do anything to be funny. That's cringeworthy. If your humor comes out of a place of love every time, you don't make the joke bigger than you. The funniest comedians are in touch with their emotional level.

I do find myself surprised by the comedy shows that seem to have the same joke week in week out.

Comedy is just to me, maybe it's a natural knack, if I can see where the joke is in the writing and I can see where the setup is and I can tell this is the way to make it.

A joke is a very serious thing.

I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

The joke newspaper, it says Canada abandons the monarchy.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.