Quotes By David Sedaris

People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country.

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.'

I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking.

But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.

Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.

I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives.

If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere.

But most good movies have a gun in them.

I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended.

I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.

People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?'

I've been keeping diaries for 27 years.

No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.

I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.

Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.

I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why.

Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.

When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.

I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.

I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time.

As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners.

I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration.

I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated.

I don't like being left to my own thoughts.

My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.

I think it's important to take chances.

I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter.

The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing.