Quotes By Larry David

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.

Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.

Drugs scared me.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!

I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.

Obviously comedic styles do change.

I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

I'm a walking, talking enigma.

I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

I'm cranky.

I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.

I'm anti-cheese in a salad.

Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for.

There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.

I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.

I don't have many friends.

All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.

Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

I don't like to make a big splash anyway.