Quotes By Larry David

Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base.

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

I don't like people cleaning my room.

I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I can't stand reading anything that I've said.

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

You write about what you know.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

Drugs scared me.

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.

I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.

I'm cranky.

I'm a walking, talking enigma.

I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.