Quotes By Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.