Quotes By Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.