Quotes By Groucho Marx

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.