Quotes By Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Humor is reason gone mad.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.