Quotes By Groucho Marx

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.