Quotes By Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.