Quotes By Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.