Quotes By Erma Bombeck

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

God created man, but I could do better.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.