Quotes By Erma Bombeck

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.