Quotes By Erma Bombeck

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

Children make your life important.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.