Quotes By Erma Bombeck

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

God created man, but I could do better.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Children make your life important.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.