Quotes By Erma Bombeck

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

God created man, but I could do better.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.