Quotes By Erma Bombeck

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.