Quotes By Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.