Quotes By Erma Bombeck
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Erma Bombeck
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Erma Bombeck
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Erma Bombeck
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Erma Bombeck
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Erma Bombeck
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
Erma Bombeck
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma Bombeck
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Erma Bombeck
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Erma Bombeck
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."
Erma Bombeck
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Erma Bombeck
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Erma Bombeck
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
Erma Bombeck
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Erma Bombeck
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Erma Bombeck
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Erma Bombeck
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Erma Bombeck