Quotes By Erma Bombeck

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.