Quotes By W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

I never met a kid I liked.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Never give a sucker an even break.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.