Quotes By W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I drink therefore I am.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.