Quotes By W. C. Fields

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I never met a kid I liked.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Never give a sucker an even break.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.