Quotes By W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

I like children - fried.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

I never met a kid I liked.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.