Quotes By W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I like children - fried.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I never met a kid I liked.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.