Quotes By Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I invented the cordless extension cord.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.