Quotes By Steven Wright

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.