Quotes By Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

What a nice night for an evening.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.