Quotes By Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

So, do you live around here often?

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

How young can you die of old age?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.