Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.