Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.