Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.