Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.