Quotes By Robert Orben

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.