Quotes By Ogden Nash

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.

Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.

There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?

The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.

Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.

Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.

I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.