Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?