Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.