Quotes By Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I just love acting.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

I was not an attractive child.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.