Quotes By Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Never floss with a stranger.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.