Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

You can be passionate about anything.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'