Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Men want to make women happy.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

I like definitive things.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.