Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Men want to make women happy.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

I like definitive things.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Stand-up is hard.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.