Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld

Stand-up is hard.

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

You can be passionate about anything.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.